Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Here I sit, surrounded by clutter. There are dishes in the sink, laundry needing folding, ironing to be done, the list could go on. Yet, I had to sit and write. I need to vent. Bear with me as I have a pity-party, which is so often the case. I figure no one really follows this blog anymore, since the last post was 8 months ago, so I can vent to cyberspace and no one will mind, right? Here we go.....
Today is a beautiful February. That is not typically an adjective that goes with this month, but today is different. The inversion has cleared from last night's storm. The world has a fresh few inches of snow and the sun is beaming in all it's glory and you, my Ty-Ty, are at the neighborhood preschool. I just dropped you off, with your pack of gear (snacks, juice, meter, etc) and with the instructions (what your BG is, what to do for snack time, when to call me, etc.). This is a good thing. I'm glad you can be like your older brothers and sisters, attending a neighborhood preschool as they did. What has my panties in a wod today is the mass text I received from a good friend yesterday. It reads: "It is time for another adventure! Tomorrow at 9:30 - snowshoeing....let me know if you can come." These little "adventures" have been happening for a few years usually take place around someone's birthday, tomorrow being my good friend who sent the message. There have been fun days of skiing, hiking, mountain biking, etc. When I read the text I got so excited! I have always wanted to try snowshoeing and have been determined that this year I was going to try it, by golly!
That's when the realist in me speaks up. "Ty has joy school. He is going to ____ house." I love the joy school moms--they have all been amazing with your diabetes. Some are more comfortable than others. Today's mom, however, is not one of those moms. She is wonderful, but knows little about the disease and needs a hand when it is needed. That is expected and I've been totally fine with it. Until today. I knew the truth of it. I couldn't go far. I would need to stick close to test you or run over should she need me to. My text in response: "I SSOOOO want to say yes to this, but I think I'll have to say no. : ( : ( : ( Not sure that _____ is 100% comfortable with diabetes, enough for me to be unreachable. So I should probably be accessible. So sad though! I've always wanted to try snowshoeing and thought this would be the year. : ( Thanks for the invite though."
Then the sadness kicked in.
Therein lies my pity party. So much has changed over the last year and a half since you were diagnosed. One noticeable difference is that I don't get these sorts of invites as often. I think people figure I can't go because I'm tied to you, which is 99% true. Still, there is that 1% chance that I could possibly make an outing work. The odds are rarely in my favor. The selfish side of me thinks "poor me" as I sit home in my messy house, thinking of my friends laughing, muscles active as they snowshoe on this clear, sunshiny winter day. I grow angry once again. Not angry at you. Don't misunderstand--I don't resent you, my sweet boy. It's this #*%$@^#* disease!! This disease with so many unknown twists and turns, where everything can change in an instant, where to those without the knowledge to care for the disease, may not notice the signs of a low or what to do if you're high. This is what keeps me home bound. I know it's the right choice. But still I get angry with diabetes. It has taken my social life, my joys, my breaks from T1D (is there ever one?) away forever. At least that's how it feels sometimes. Today anyway.
So once again, we plug along. Today will pass and I'll get over pitying myself. I hope to keep some sort of a social life as the years progress. But even if I don't, being a mom to you is worth every sacrifice this disease makes me give. I look at the picture above and think, for you, I'd do (or not do) anything.
See? I feel better already.