Thursday, August 23, 2012
Hitting breaking point
Where has my sweet, happy boy gone?
What used to be an inquisitive nature [regarding your shots] has turned hostile. No longer do you remind me about your up-and-coming shots at meals. Instead, you scream and say, "No shot!" Isn't it supposed to be that you are getting used to shots rather than hating them more as time goes on?
A few days ago, you REALLY wanted a fruit snack. It was on a day when I was desperately trying to bring you down from a baffling 400-range. I reached, instead, for a cheese stick. Screaming and hitting followed. You, my Ty, hit me in the face! That is so not like you. Mind you, your numbers have been wacko and you felt plain lousy, but you are starting to literally kick against this disease.
I guess even you rotate through this ever-apparent grieving cycle.
Oh, my poor Ty. How can I explain to you that what I'm doing to you every single day, several times a day, is good for you? How can I explain that when I poke you, it is saving your life? When will you be able to understand? Until then, it breaks my heart to see you angry. But I know the feeling. Believe me. There are days I wish I could kick, scream and punch something. But, we're partners and we have to help each other through this, right?
More and more, I'm hoping for that pump. Then I can freely give you anything you want to eat as long as I enter in the carbs to your pump and guess what? No shots! The thought of it seems mind-boggling since that is what I do, at least five times a day right now. We go to the pump class this Monday. Maybe I can try to pull some strings with Grandma (and Dr. Awesome) to expedite the process--whaddya think? You'd just have to promise not to pull it out of your site like I can so easily see a 2-year-old doing. Again, undecided about the whole thing, but the idea of it sounds great.
Speaking of awesome Dr. Awesome, he called me out of the blue the other day, for no other reason than to offer encouragement. I'm so grateful for a caring doctor who knows and takes a personal interest in your welfare (and mine!). Your numbers have been all over the place, mostly high. I consistently try to figure out what I'm doing wrong or what you ate only to come up with no real answers. He adjusted your carb-ratio and told me we were doing a great job. Sometimes toddlers just have crazy numbers, but I can't beat myself up for it. I'll try to believe that. Every. Single. Day. I guess I need to stop trying to even you out and change as often as your numbers do. So, daily.
Change. It's the only constant we know.