A Moving Target

Trying to regulate blood-glucose is "like trying to shoot a moving target" -- at least that is how I've heard it described. It hasn't been easy the last few days.  You'll have a pretty good day, where your numbers are in the 100s (like 2 days ago), well, at least for half the day.  And then you'll have a day like yesterday, where you were in the 300s!  I don't get it. We did nothing differently.  It's like we have to constantly tweak the insulin levels, both with Novolog ratios and Lantus.  Will we ever find one that will work perfectly for your little body?  From what I hear, I can expect it to be constantly ever-changing.

Today we used a different ratio for breakfast 1/2:10 and then the usual 1/2:15 for lunch and dinner.  We also increased your Lantus from 1 to 1.5 at night, keeping 4 units in morning.  Consequently you have consistently stayed in the low 100s all day.  I know that sounds great, and I should be elated, but I guess it is a little unsettling for me.  It's like trying to see just how close to the edge of the cliff we can drive without falling off.  That is supposed to be your "safe" zone.  How do I prevent you from falling off that cliff?  And how is that supposed to be safe for you?  I want you as far away from the cliff as possible!  But then that's not good either because being far away from that zone means your numbers would be high.  I'm so used to seeing the higher numbers that now I'm panicky that I'll turn my back and you'll crash because you are hovering so close to the 100 mark.  And what will that look like?  Will I notice the signs in my 2-year-old?  And my worse fear, what if it happens at night, while you (and we) are sleeping?   

(Sigh)  See, I drive myself sick with worry 24 hours a day.  I even tried to go clean the dance studio today (so your sisters can keep taking dance) while Alli was home and you napped.  Problem was, I got there and into my cleaning when she called and said you wouldn't nap.  Ack!  I made her leave you there for at least a half hour, but eventually she had to get you up.  You should have seen me, running like a crazy woman through the entire studio, cleaning as fast as I could, so I could be home, be the eyes.  Again with the questions.  What would happen if you crashed while in Alli's care?  She wouldn't know what to do or even what to look for.  I know there will have to come a time when I can leave you again. But not sure how to get there.  I'm not sure how to trust anyone with the life of my baby.  Does it mean I have to teach them shots? How to count carbs?  How to dose for insulin?  It's such a huge undertaking that for right now, it's simpler to say I'll just never leave you.  Not logical.  But simpler.