Thursday, July 19, 2012

Big Ball of Panic

Yep, that would be me.  Your mom is a nut case.  Simply put.  What is frustrating is that I'm not sure how to remedy it.  Since your diagnosis (which seems like forever ago!) I've been having what I think are anxiety attacks.  I will be doing nothing, sitting there, when BAM--a shot of adrenaline will race through my body and I suddenly lose all energy and I feel like I'm going to pass out.  Not just sort of pass out, but like drop to the floor, careful-not-to-hit-something-on-the-way-down kind of pass out. Often I have to steady myself and really focus on my breathing.  It is the weirdest sensation and almost feels like I'm dying.  I hate it!  I don't know how to stop it!  Is this normal?  It's weird because I think things are going better, but then there is this whole anxiety thing to deal with.  The last thing I need is to get on anti-anxiety medications.  Maybe yoga would be cheaper.  Yah, maybe I should try that.  Sigh.

Yesterday I tested you like fitti-billion times.  You had a low after breakfast and then we went swimming so I was just certain you were going to crash at some point again during the day.  One pattern that I'm starting to pick up on is that exercise really drops you, so that is why I tried staying on top of it.  I tested you probably four different times while we were swimming.  But guess what?  You were totally fine!  So what is wrong with me? I don't want to be the kind of mom who will poke their kid 10-20 times a day!  Like I said--big ball of panic.  I'm not liking myself very much lately.  My nerves can't seem to handle much these days.  Go figure.

Dad and I went to the new patient orientation today and left you with Aunt Alison.  She is a nurse and has a diabetic daughter so it was an excellent choice.  You did awesome, but were so busy!  Poor Aunt Alison. But I was so glad you were with her.  The class was informative and reassuring.  There were other newly-diagnosed families there.  At one point we had to go around the room and say what the lowest and highest our diabetic child has been since they were released from the hospital.  One little girl has had lows in the 20s!  Imagine the anxiety level I'd be experiencing if I were her mother?  Luckily, the little girls' mom seemed cool and calm.  Why can't I do that?  As it was the first time I had left you, I experienced some pretty heavy duty panic attacks the entire 3 hours we were there.  Poor Daddy.  He has to deal with ME on top of the diabetes!  Maybe it is the going on 2-day migraine I have, or the Excedrin I took for it--or the Diet Coke I drank just before  (caffeine does weird things to me).  Whatever it is, I hate the feeling.  Once again, yoga.

So, on we trek.  They say the first month is the hardest.  I am holding on by my fingernails until then.  We can get there, right?--only a few more weeks.  And then I'm certain I will feel much better about all of this and you will have a fully functional mother again.  Until then.....



  1. NO CRYING! Love you, Mel. It was hard to see you test and give 2 shots to your sweet little boy on Monday night. Standing there watching you count every carb you put on his plate was so overwhelming...just to WATCH! You are a brave, wonderful, positive woman. An inspiration to watch.

  2. My dear wonderful niece Mel, It was my privilege to have your amazing dynamite son in our home the other day. He's so tough, strong, and daring that he's already so accepting of his new life. We know a bit what you're going thru now, but since Kath was 11 when she was diagnosed, it's very different what you have to endure. Yes, the Holy Ghost will be your best guide forever. So glad you have your mom, brother, your mom in law, us, etc. I want that little doll over here again as soon as I can. This time I'll be more prepared for him and we can go to a park, etc :)I'll love you both forever!