It has been one of those days. Actually it has been a hard past couple of days. Nothing a little shower sobbing didn't cure, however. I'm just feeling exhausted from all the work that goes into diabetes! With no chance for improvement.
I love to clean things because of the before and after. I cleaned the grimy sink, stained with wear, yesterday. It brought a bit of joy and let me tell you why. I hate the yucky yellow on my white ceramic sink that accumulates over time from dishes and food. But ahh, how I love the glistening white sink once I've taken the Comet, scrubbing sponge and a little elbow grease to it. The before and after. Don't really get that with diabetes. All the work with no real end in sight. It isn't something that improves over time. Either you have it and life is crazy-hard, or you don't and you don't even have to think about what your pancreas does for you 24-7. I will never take a working pancreas for granted again!
I'm hoping, HOPING, that with a lot of work, and hopefully in a few months, diabetes will be just like starting a new exercise routine. Killer on my body at first, but once the muscles have grown and are accustomed to moving differently, my body won't hurt so much and life will resume as normal--as normal as can be expected with a toddler with diabetes. I have a toddler with diabetes! (I still cycle through episodes of denial, so it's good to say it aloud once in a while.)
I'm finding a lot of hope in a T1D support group I found on Facebook. Finally people who speak my language, moms (and dads) who feel what my heart feels and who are so validating in so many ways! It's like having a whole new family. They have advice from who to leave you with to what scale I should buy for carbohydrate counting. The best part is that they are so uplifting, especially on days like today when I'm feeling so inadequate.
Part of why life has been so hard lately is that you've hit your honeymoon phase. And hard. No matter what I did yesterday, I couldn't keep you above 100. Today isn't much better. Again, not good on Mommy's nerves. It is all I do all day long, all I think, breathe, eat and sleep. Numbers run through my head on a constant basis: blood-glucose levels, carbs, insulin doses, ratios---all numbers! I think it's getting to you too. Every time I test you now, you grab the meter and say "Four-five, Mom! Four-five." Even you know it's all about the numbers! Let's just hope that meter doesn't read "four-five" very often when you're tested. For now, I'll just keep polishing my rusty math skills and flexing my diabetic muscles until all of this feels second nature.